(cto)

I'M SORRY, IT TOOK ME A YEAR TO REALIZE IT.







I cried myself to sleep last night.

I realized that I still have your favorite song on my playlist. I was on my way to the office when it suddenly played. I remembered how you eagerly introduced that song to me. Telling me that the singer was also one of your favorite artists. We shared a lot in common, from Indie songs and Indie movies, art exhibits and art museums to how we should respect every person's outlook in life.

You became part of my everyday routine. Asking how your day was, how bothered you were when your kid neighbor's kitten was lost. Or how you are handling things being alone and independent. I kept sharing to you my new discovered songs and my favorite movies, in return, you share your favorite songs and will give me your insights about its music videos.

I felt you were like my soul mate, because there are a lot of things that we were compatible of. But we had no labels. I may say that we're part of the "almost-dated" relationships. Almost there but never was. Almost said yes but never did. Almost said those three words but was too afraid to do so. Who's fault was it? I am now admitting it's not yours.

It has been a year since we last had our online conversation. I scrolled back from the very beginning. From the very first time you said, "Hi" and I shared to you my then happy song "Sila" by SUD. I time-travelled back to the very first day I felt so comfortable sharing to you each and every random stuff that's juggling on my mind. You we're always there through my randomness.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Not just because I'm missing you. But also because I regret losing you. I was the coward one. I was too afraid to try... to give myself a chance. To believe that maybe this time, with you, it will work. That you are the story I was hoping for, the one I wished for. But, no, it will not be possible anymore. You are happy now.

No, I'm not bitter. I'm actually happy for you, because finally, you found someone you could share your adventures with. Someone who will always be there when you need her. A companion. You now have a reason to smile.

You will always be my favorite "What If".

'Til then.

-Cxx